Today I wanted to write something to encourage all of you out there who are struggling right now with your diagnosis. It might seem as if your world is spinning out of control and you might be asking yourself what do I do now! I want you to ask yourself a question. Are you happy? When I saw this video I said to myself its a perfect fit for what I want to talk about because it really says it all! Through all the pain, anger, and fear you need to get back up and fight. In some cases it isn’t going to be easy but with Gods guidance anything is possible! As the video says allow your heart to start beating again! Take baby steps one foot in front of the other and you can get there!
A word of advice! I really wanted to figure out where this journey was taking me but understand now I just needed to take the ride. I’ve turned that over to God and it’s brought peace in my life. I’m learning that bit by bit Gods greater plan is unfolding for my life. Sometimes the battle to get your mind and body back in the game, is tougher than facing the illness itself. When we get sick we just want everything to go back to the way it was. We tend to focus on the way things were and it can be really easy to become bitter and angry because we can’t have our old life back! Have you stopped to think for a minute that maybe this journey your on is for a reason. Maybe God has a plan for your life with bigger and better things but first you have to walk through some really tough things!
To often we listen to all those tiny voices that we hear in our head and it stops us from shifting the car from park into drive! I’m often reminded of all those episodes of the Flintstones I used to watch as a kid. If you don’t remember it then it was a cartoon set in the Stone Ages. The cars they drove in the cartoon were foot powered, and Barney and Fred would constantly forget to move their feet to get the car going. The running joke was why isn’t the car going anywhere. So the parallel I’m trying to make is that you have to keep your feet moving, if you want to stop yourself from getting stuck in the mud.
It might take some time to figure things out but don’t believe for a minute that your stuck where your at! You can’t be scared of running up against obstacles, or the times of frustration that you will run up against while on this journey. Look for the lesson from within each of those challenges, and if there is one learn and grow from them if you can. Some of those hard times that you face as you walk this journey might just change how you think about things from the past. Or it might open your eyes to new things that you never thought possible. Never in a million years did I see myself organizing a CRPS Awareness Day in our province and taking a roll in advocacy the way that I am. That being said I couldn’t feel better about what I am doing and the small roll I’m playing in trying to raise awareness. Advocacy has fueled a fire in me that wasn’t there before. Its fire to help people in whatever ways I can.
I’m not trying to tell you what to do in your situation. Absolutely not! I’m just trying to point out that there are things in my own life over the last ten years, that I’ve had to work on that I didn’t see coming. Ones that are taking me down a different road and as this happens I’m seeing happiness return. Do I know your situation? No! Can I relate to your situation? Yes! I do know that if I had stayed the way I was ten years ago then I wouldn’t be happy. I wouldn’t for a minute think of trying to tell another person what to do with there life and I never will. What I will do however is share my story with others and encourage. I really believe that when we support each other in these ways that we gain perspective. What you choose to do with that is your choice!
This is a simple message that I’ve given on more than one occasion but I think its important to keep giving. Its important because if I don’t remind myself personally every once in a while of these things, then I become stuck or my vision can become clouded. So I would hope that you see things in the same way. If your reading this today I hope it helps shed some light on questions you might have in your own journey!
Its been one of those weeks where the needle on my gas tank has been running on empty! My pain level has been hard to manage and its taking everything within me to get through every day. Some days it feels as though I wake up and I just don’t have anything in me to give. I ask myself how I’m going to find the energy I need to get through that day. This is a fight I live day by day and some days are easier than others. Sometimes my tank is running on empty and others its full and getting great mileage. So like when you get into your car to go to work, I often find myself checking my gas tank to see if it needs filling.
Chronic illness can suck your tank dry and so you need to be checking the gas tank on a regular basis. I check mine every morning and for me that means having a conversation with God asking him to fill my tank. The last thing I want to do is run out of gas! For anyone battling CRPS or any other chronic illness you know that this can happen very quickly. Over the holidays I’ve had to fill my tank numerous times but by having that five minute conversation with God every morning I ensures that I never run out.
Its more than just checking to see if I have enough gas in the tank. There are other things that I need to check out with my car. Every so often you get the oil changed and you check the belts and all the other fluid levels. So I have to do the same thing with my chronic illness and check to make sure I’m putting all my different tools I use in order to manage my pain into place. I make sure that I add anything else that I might need to into that conversation I have with God. So maybe every once in a while that conversation with God is a little longer than five minutes.
As well as an oil change you have to have things like tune-ups and tires rotated in order to keep the car operating at its best. Doing all these things are all a part of a regular maintenance plan for your car. With your illness you have to make sure your doing the same things. You always hear mechanics saying that if you do the preventative maintenance then your car will run longer and last longer. Well the same holds true with your chronic illness. If you follow the plan your physician has set out for you it will make things more manageable in most cases. That’s not to say that you might have periods where things are difficult. It gives you the best chance at managing your illness more effectively and with as few symptoms as possible.
It can be so easy just to drive our cars into the ground not doing the things we need to do to maintain them! There are so many different ways that we can stay on top of the maintenance, yet that’s easier said than done. When your hurting all the time and all you do is spend time fighting your illness, it can be easy to forget those things you need to be doing on a regular basis. That’s why checking in with my mechanic (God) every day helps to keep everything running the way it should. Especially around this time of the year when it can be so easy for my body to break down!
I’m looking forward to the New Year and a much better year with my health. Looking back this last year was extremely tough both physically and mentally! If it wasn’t for those constant conversations with God to get through it all, my bolts would have rattled loose and my car would have started to break down. I wasn’t anticipating that it would take this long! Like when you have to rebuild a car engine I have to rebuild my body and that doesn’t happen overnight! I’ve had a great mechanic that’s been able to make sure all the parts are in place, and all the fluids are full. I’d highly recommend this mechanic because He does great work!
For several months now my health has been touch and go and I didn’t know if I’d have to get a refund on our trip to Cancun or not. I can’t tell you how many times it went through my head that this trip just wasn’t going to happen, even though I just wouldn’t admit it to myself. Looking forward to something fun for a change that doesn’t have anything to do with my health was a welcome change. Well I’m happy to say that in less than twenty four hours we get on that plane for a fun filled holiday full of relaxing on a beach doing absolutely nothing. Normally when we travel we like exploring the region and taking in all that destination has to offer. That won’t be happening on this trip. This time I’m perfectly happy to go and park myself on a beach and not move! Let’s just say my body won’t let me right now!
Now that we are going its time to get last minute details taken care of, and lets just say that there are a lot to take care of. Then there’s this here blog that would normally write a post from wherever I was going so that you can enjoy the same scenery as I am except for one small detail! That YOUR really not there! Not that I want to rub it in because I don’t. The only people I want to do that to are the friends and family that are back home in -30C weather spending day after day shoveling!! I regret to inform you that I won’t be able to do that this time because I won’t be on the internet. With what your paying for in an all-inclusive trip you’d expect that WiFi would be included, where they can make money however they will! So I won’t be bringing you any pictures until I get back. I’m hoping to get around to writing a couple more posts that will publish while I’m away but I’m not sure if I’m that organised this time!
From a pain standpoint things are up and down as always, with some just needing to find that alone time to calm down the nervous system. Those days are very few and far between when you have a nervous system that’s always on edge and doesn’t seem to ever calm down! Its the life that I have to live with and have had to learn to accept along with everything it brings with it. Nobody said this was going to be an easy road, and believe me what I’ve had to endure over the last few years has been anything but a walk in the park. In some ways I feel like over the past year its been one big character building exercise that I’ve been put through. As a result I feel like God has been building me into someone stronger more resiliant, ready to take on anything and everything.
Through this lengthy trial that I’ve had to walk through, I feel as though I’ve been discovering who I really am inside and the person that God created me to be. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again but for the longest time I struggled with what was going on inside myself after being diagnosed with my CRPS. For starters I felt lost and like my self-esteem had sufford a major blow. I had just brought my daughter home from China and I questioned how I was going to be as a father dealing with a disability. Then there was the guilt of my wife having to not only watch me go through this, but to have to take on so much extra and not be a stay at home mom! As if that wasn’t enough I couldn’t stop thinking about what life was going to be like for myself in the future. All of these feelings took several years to deal with.
Somehow in the middle of all these storms and all the trials something changed and a strength and the ability to be extremely happy with my life has come about. How does that happen? In part two of this post I’ll be looking at that! So until next week goodbye and its off for some fun in the sun.
The New Year is under way and now its time to get back at it. After some great family time out at the lake we are back into routine with the kids with school, sports, and everything else that makes life busy. Then throw in a chronic illness and it makes for a lot of fun! Even though our family fought through colds and sickness over Christmas we still had a fantastic time with the rest of the family. We even welcomed a New Years baby into the family on Jan 1, 2015. My nephew and his wife welcomed their baby girl named Everly Jean 7lbs 12oz into the world! Congrats to Ward and Nicole! On the pain front things have been up and down. I’m trying to keep myself as distracted as possible and push through all the flare ups which have been coming often as I continue to heal from surgery.
A big thanks to Julie for putting together a guest post for me while I was away as well! It was nice to get away and have everything organized to the point where I didn’t have to even get near a computer. Now if I can only put together a few posts to try and stay ahead of the game this year. I’m not big on putting together New Years resolutions but if I had one this year it would be that I’m going to do a better job with with being a advocate towards CRPS. I’ve already started making some minor changes to my site and there will be a few more coming. It’s really a matter of organizing a few things and adding others. I haven’t felt stronger about making connections within the chronic illness community and trying to make a difference.
As I’ve mentioned before 2014 was a challenging year but I believe it has changed me in some very positive ways that I need to now pursue. As I start 2015 I’m choosing to put last year behind me, and getting to work on the list of goals I’d like to accomplish this year. Its time to start doing a lot of praying and beat down my CRPS to take back control. My photography has been a big part of that giving serving as a great distraction but because of my physical health had to be put on the back burner a lot last year. So for this year a goal of mine will be to get all of that back on track. So far that’s off to a good start as I’m already making some changes to my photography website Ross McCreery Photography. Along with my main photography website I now have a Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/RossMcCreeryPhotography that updates my latest work. Check in on both because there are a few surprises in the works.
There isn’t much of a message to today’s post except that I’m starting fresh for this year full of more strength and determination! Once again God has helped me get through a lot over the past year and it wouldn’t be right if I didn’t acknowledge that. Without His guidance to get through the recovery over the last couple of months I would have without a doubt gone crazy! I also know that even though I’m still recovering that there are some very powerful lessons to be taken away from all of this. Once all the dust clears and I’m fully recovered I’m sure I’ll be able to reflect on those but for now I’m still trying to navigate my way through things. Like I’ve said on so many occasions it doesn’t matter if its a big victory or a small victory because a victory is a victory! Each one draws you closer to the biggest victory of them all defeating your chronic illness!
Have you ever been so discouraged that you just wanted to give up? Well that’s how I’m feeling at the moment. I’m now into week five of recovery and I’m not very far ahead. Last night we had a wedding to go to and I was going to get there if it killed me. Call me stubborn, hardheaded, or just plain mulish but I wanted to get out for a bit. Well kill me it almost did! We had planned out how this was going to all play out, and I was going to skip the ceremony because I have problems sitting for very long periods of time. The best thing we figured would be to go to the reception that way if I needed to leave I could. I made it for about an hour and a half before the pain got so intense that I couldn’t take it and had to head for home.
I’m frustrated at the moment because the doctors are saying that my body is just going through a rough healing process and that I just need more time. How much time exactly is that? I will be meeting with the surgeon this week to discuss things along with a few concerns I have. It feels like I’m not getting anywhere very fast and there are days where I just have to have a good cry. Yes you guessed it your getting one of those posts today! Never in my life did I think that I’d be pushed and challenged as much as I’m being at the moment. When your body is screaming with pain your brain is telling you one thing but God was right there telling me another. Over and over I’ve said I’m going to beat my CRPS and that will happen one day. I might be down today but tomorrow is a new day and the fight will resume.
Days like yesterday are hard because things with CRPS can spin out of control so fast. Adding surgery into the mix makes things a lot more volatile, and you never know what the outcome is going to be! So last night was one of those nights where the surgical pain combined with my CRPS caused my CRPS to spiral out of control. Its a fight that I’ve been going through since having the surgery, and one I know I can and will win. My winning spirit just wasn’t there last night however and I had to fight to stop the tears from flowing during the reception dinner. Times like these are difficult to battle through and all kinds of thoughts enter your head. My wife asked me tonight if I regret having the surgery and without hesitation I said “no”. Why? If I say “no” then I’m giving up on something that can be life changing, and take me in a very positive direction.
Am I feeling sad and frustrated at the moment? You better believe it! My emotions got the best of me as we drove home and I couldn’t hold it together. So I had a minor meltdown in the car and at home later. CRPS is a battle where every second of every day is consumed by pain. Sometimes it has to come out and show itself and if that means crying then get out the box of kleenex! I am thankful that I have a wife who understands me and knows how I’m feeling most of the time. I felt as though I’d spoiled the nights fun for the family. My wife then reasured me that in no way had I spoiled anything, which was just what I needed to hear.
For some reason over the last couple of years it seems as though I’ve faced more obsticles, and come up against more challenges than I have in a while. As I walk through each of these challeges, I always walk away feeling like I need to be more of an advocate for CRPS and chronic pain. Something is pushing me to go outside my comfort zone and I need to pursue it. So one way in which I’ll be doing that will be in making a few changes to my site. I mentioned this a while back and seeing as I can’t do a whole lot at the moment I have the time to make the changes. I’ll be introducing a few new links and blogs to my site and from time to time putting up a guest post. I’ve often talked about making these changes but never really got around to making them. Even though most of the content on this site will stay the same, there will be tweaks here and there to speak more towards CRPS and chronic pain! That’s it for today I just don’t have enough gas in the tank and I need to rest so talk to you all soon.