I’m writing this post tonight because I felt it was important to catch the moment that I’m in right now. It’s Valentines Day! When I got up this morning I wished my wife and kids a Happy Valentines Day and was expecting a great day! What I didn’t see coming was the amount of intense pain that I was going to be in! As the day has moved on it’s only gotten worse, and I’m trying to do everything in my power not to curl up in the fetal position. To be quite honest it’s one of those times that I spoke about in my last post. I’m having a hard time dealing with my emotions at the moment. When I got home from picking up my daughter this afternoon I could hardly walk without being doubled over in pain. When things get this bad there is very little relief, and I’m always looking for ways to get comfortable. The unfortunate thing is I usually can’t get comfortable. I took a little extra medication and went to lie down. These are the moments that I find so tough. Here it is Valentines Day, and I’m laying in bed sobbing into a pillow because the pain is so bad. Yes! I’m not afraid to say that I’m a man who cries! It’s healthy to let your emotions out. The day I had planned wasn’t suppose to go this way, and it makes me mad.
It’s really hard in these moments to stop and ask God to give you strength, and to take away the pain. I’m really struggling tonight to keep my head in the fight, and to see that there is victory at the end of all this. When I started this blog the one thing I promised myself was that I was going to keep things real. I wanted to make sure that people saw not only the good times but the bad as well. Tonight just happens to be one of those hard nights! At times like this I’m glad that I have the family that I do. My wife took the time to pray for me tonight and I’m grateful for that. Even my three year old daughter took the time to pray for me tonight when we were saying bedtime prayers! I’m so lucky that I have three very special women in my life. My family means the world to me!
What I want people to see and understand, is that it isn’t always easy to stay positive and that’s ok. I’m feeling a fare amount of frustration, or maybe I should say a lot tonight. I find I have to talk myself into staying positive, reminding myself that the pain is the one trying to win this fight tonight. If you let the pain do all the talking then it wins. I’m not going to let it win! It’s been a real up and down day emotionally for me, one minute I feel as though I’ve got control then I don’t. It’s at that point though that I need to ask myself who’s in control? Me or God? I need to stand in faith that God has this all under control. When the pain gets super intense it can be hard to just give it to God, but we have to. As hard as that may be, He is the answer.
When I was laying down for a rest this afternoon I started thinking about things. All that kept going through my mind was how tired I am. I feel like that boxer who’s been knocked down in the ring. I’m laying flat out, and don’t have the strength to be able to stand back up. Yet I have to find it within me to do just that. God is the one who gives me that strength I need. Today is just one of those days where God has to do a lot of talking and encouraging, to get me back up on my feet. Keep going and never give up are the two things that I always hear Him say to me. It isn’t easy to get through days like today because it takes so much out of me, as well as the rest of the family.
There is this war going on inside me that is so complex that even I don’t understand it at times. What I have to tell myself is to relax and take things in stride. You have the emotional mixing with the physical and when you mix the two of them together it becomes a fight bigger than a lot of people understand. When it gets like this you need to have your support group around you so that they can help you. I’m thankful that I have my family and my therapists for support. Without them it would be so much harder. Sometimes it’s just a person to talk to because you need to let out all that emotion that you have built up inside.
I just want all of you out there that are suffering today to know that I’m right there with you. We aren’t always going to have the easiest of times, and there is probably going to be times of real discouragement like I’m feeling tonight. Don’t give up though and know that you have a God given strength inside, that will get you through all the hard times that you face.