There was something else I was going to write about today however I felt the need to talk about something else. At the moment my pain is so intense that I can’t think straight. What I’m trying to do at the moment is try to escape the pain and tell my body and mind that everything is all right. Earlier tonight I was cleaning up the kids toys and I took one wrong step with the ankle that is affected by the CRPS. I didn’t realize that my foot was so close to a concrete block, when I turned around to take a step my foot came down on the block unexpectedly and uneavenly jarring my ankle. Needless to say the swelling and pain are up in my ankle.
I know that in a couple of days what has flared up will go back down but in the meantime I have to put up with the pain that it causes. At times like this I find it really hard to ignore the pain. What should be a really easy process for my brain is no longer an easy process. This frustrates me in so many different ways. I keep trying to tell my brain that everything will be alright, however all it’s hearing right now is that it HURTS!!!!!
It’s hard to give you an idea of what the pain can get like at times. At the moment it feels as though someone has snapped my limb in two, and the searing pain that I feel is out of this world. At times like these I find it very difficult to escape the pain and to try to convince myself that everything will be OK. You do the best you can to try to put it out of your mind, but when all you hear in your head is PAIN! PAIN! PAIN! it isn’t the easiest thing in the world to do. Think about when you run into a chair and stub your toe. You can’t stop thinking about the pain can you? Well that what my brain is thinking all the time hurt! hurt! hurt!
The frustrating thing is that you can’t seem to escape it. You can have a stressful day and your pain gets worse. You can do something like I did tonight and the pain gets worse. What I can’t stand is that I have no control over how my brain is able to process things at the moment. Am I learning how to deal with my pain and manage it? Absolutely! I can’t tell how long it will take for things to settle, however at least I know that they will. This is a change in attitude that I’ve had to make. It’s not a matter of if the pain will get better it’s when will the pain get better.
Does having this kind of attitude make it any easier in dealing with the pain? In my mind it’s never easy to deal with it, and right now there’s a war being fought inside my head. Small steps, often day by day are being made in order to be able to escape the pain. If you live with CRPS then you understand me when I say that you are learning a great lesson in patience.
I’d be lying if I didn’t say that it’s a struggle as I sit here trying to write this not to let the pain control me. However it’s at times like this one now that I’m almost at my strongest because there’s a fight that rises up inside of me and says that the pain isn’t going to win. It’s at times like this that I know that God is right there beside me helping me fight.