Today has just been one of those really tough days, one of those emotional roller coaster days. It’s been a high pain day and the last thing I wanted to do was get out of bed. Actually let me go back to closer to 2am when the shooting burning pain intensified. Then again around 3am it decided to get a little angrier! If that wasn’t enough around 4am it decided to ramp things up even more. Just when it seemed as if it couldn’t get any worse last night it did! This is my norm however and so when things get this way all I can do is pray! I have to rely on God at all times and I won’t shy away from saying that.
This is just one of those days where I find myself chasing things around in my head, and trying to keep the negative at a distance! It’s not easy when it’s coming at you from every angle and your mental state is being taxed to its max! Chronic illness can wear you down there’s no doubt about that and nobody is immune to it. I can’t tell you how many times today I’ve been on the verge of my emotions getting the best of me. Yes that means that I wanted to cry! The frustration, pain, and lack of clarity or ability to spit out a three-letter word have been really bad. Sometimes these symptoms hit without notice and just when you think you’ve got a handle on them they rear their ugly head again.
Chronic illnesses are cyclical and to be able to manage things well I need to be able to break that cycle. Some of you may have noticed the lack of posts over the last little while. Part of that reason is because I just haven’t been able to put pen to paper to get my thoughts out. The other is that I have simply gotten away from using one of my tools that is important in managing my disease. After numerous attempts and lots of giving up I’m finally pushing through, and not giving in to a disease that has tried to rob me of so much! Have I let my frustrations get the best of me sometimes? Have I pushed too hard? Do I let negativity seep in and influence my actions? To all three of these questions I would have to answer yes!
Living with my illness will never be easy! Using my tools is a necessary part of life for now. Maybe that means today, instead of writing that complex message that I had stuck in my brain, I write something basic that helps me work through my emotions. So that’s what I’m doing! I’m getting back to grass-roots! Writing is more than just writing down a bunch of words to me. It’s a way for me to express what I’m going through daily or what’s going on deep within me as I live with CRPS. Furthermore, it allows me to look back and reflect on things and see in large just how far I have really come. Often I will look back through previous writing because it helps me gain perspective. It helps me to see that even though it feels like some days I’m getting nowhere, I really am making progresses and that there are good days in between.
This basic message is really about staying positive and focusing on being that way each and every day! If that means walking through a process that helps me get to where I need to be then that’s what I need to do. A life changing diagnosis without a doubt is going to rattle you sometimes but are you up to the task of navigating your way through it? There are only two answers to this question, yes or no! I know I am!