Have you ever been so discouraged that you just wanted to give up? Well that’s how I’m feeling at the moment. I’m now into week five of recovery and I’m not very far ahead. Last night we had a wedding to go to and I was going to get there if it killed me. Call me stubborn, hardheaded, or just plain mulish but I wanted to get out for a bit. Well kill me it almost did! We had planned out how this was going to all play out, and I was going to skip the ceremony because I have problems sitting for very long periods of time. The best thing we figured would be to go to the reception that way if I needed to leave I could. I made it for about an hour and a half before the pain got so intense that I couldn’t take it and had to head for home.
I’m frustrated at the moment because the doctors are saying that my body is just going through a rough healing process and that I just need more time. How much time exactly is that? I will be meeting with the surgeon this week to discuss things along with a few concerns I have. It feels like I’m not getting anywhere very fast and there are days where I just have to have a good cry. Yes you guessed it your getting one of those posts today! Never in my life did I think that I’d be pushed and challenged as much as I’m being at the moment. When your body is screaming with pain your brain is telling you one thing but God was right there telling me another. Over and over I’ve said I’m going to beat my CRPS and that will happen one day. I might be down today but tomorrow is a new day and the fight will resume.
Days like yesterday are hard because things with CRPS can spin out of control so fast. Adding surgery into the mix makes things a lot more volatile, and you never know what the outcome is going to be! So last night was one of those nights where the surgical pain combined with my CRPS caused my CRPS to spiral out of control. Its a fight that I’ve been going through since having the surgery, and one I know I can and will win. My winning spirit just wasn’t there last night however and I had to fight to stop the tears from flowing during the reception dinner. Times like these are difficult to battle through and all kinds of thoughts enter your head. My wife asked me tonight if I regret having the surgery and without hesitation I said “no”. Why? If I say “no” then I’m giving up on something that can be life changing, and take me in a very positive direction.
Am I feeling sad and frustrated at the moment? You better believe it! My emotions got the best of me as we drove home and I couldn’t hold it together. So I had a minor meltdown in the car and at home later. CRPS is a battle where every second of every day is consumed by pain. Sometimes it has to come out and show itself and if that means crying then get out the box of kleenex! I am thankful that I have a wife who understands me and knows how I’m feeling most of the time. I felt as though I’d spoiled the nights fun for the family. My wife then reasured me that in no way had I spoiled anything, which was just what I needed to hear.
For some reason over the last couple of years it seems as though I’ve faced more obsticles, and come up against more challenges than I have in a while. As I walk through each of these challeges, I always walk away feeling like I need to be more of an advocate for CRPS and chronic pain. Something is pushing me to go outside my comfort zone and I need to pursue it. So one way in which I’ll be doing that will be in making a few changes to my site. I mentioned this a while back and seeing as I can’t do a whole lot at the moment I have the time to make the changes. I’ll be introducing a few new links and blogs to my site and from time to time putting up a guest post. I’ve often talked about making these changes but never really got around to making them. Even though most of the content on this site will stay the same, there will be tweaks here and there to speak more towards CRPS and chronic pain! That’s it for today I just don’t have enough gas in the tank and I need to rest so talk to you all soon.
Well we’re back from Easter holidays ready to get back to the regular routine. Actually for a few days now we’ve been getting back to it, I just haven’t had the chance to put up a post. Our family spent the holiday out at our cottage which is always relaxing. It was a much needed break with my CRPS having a mind of it’s own as of late. We also didn’t want to be around the house in the city because we were having new flooring put in through a few areas of the house. It’s kind of hard to cook when your kitchen is in your living room. There is still no news as to a surgery date but I just have to remain confident that it will happen soon.
Today’s post is about self-confidence! The reason I chose to address such a topic today is because its something that you have to keep such a close eye on. CRPS can shake your confidence to the very core, and lately I’ve had to stay on top of it in order to stay confident within my situation. Some days I do a good job and others not so good! When I get irritable it’s easy for the pain to try and take control of my mind, and then my confidence starts to slip and it isn’t so easy to stay positive. Just ask my wife about the times that I get a bit grumpy or short with my family! The pain can push me to the point of no return, and if I don’t give myself a pep talk to turn it around it can start a spiral in a direction that I really don’t want to go.
Recognizing what causes you to lose self-confidence helps you to change your situation. Can you identify what’s causing your confidence to be shaken? The stakes are high with CRPS and there are a lot of things at risk or that can potentially change in ones life, and because of that sometimes you become paralyzed in fear. As a result your confidence becomes shaken and you might give up on your hopes and dreams. If you want to identify what’s causing it to be shaken then you need to ask yourself a few questions. Are there to many “unknowns” and do you lack control of your situation? Do you have a clear path or plan on moving forward? What about your situation is causing you to be unsure of yourself? Once you ask yourself those questions and figure out what’s causing your self-confidence to drop then it helps you formulate a plan and change your situation.
When I was first diagnosed there were a lot of unknowns and it paralyzed me with a lot of fear! I’d lost control of my particular situation and so I had to hand everything over to God. I didn’t know what my future was going to look like or what day to day life was even going to look like. I had to entrust that God was going to handle everything and every situation that I faced. CRPS tries to steal away your confidence in so many different ways, and early after my diagnosis it was being attacked on all sides. Through a determination from within however and a lot of help from God I was able to stop that attack that was affecting me so much. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have to stay on top of it though because I do. As you face various situations as you deal with your CRPS, it’s only natural that your confidence level is going to come under attack. How do you handle it?
So often we focus on dealing with pain or the symptoms that come as a result of CRPS. I really wanted to speak towards an area that is just important! It could be the reason that you find yourself stuck and unable to move forward with your life. It could be the difference between you achieving your hopes and dreams and not achieving them. I don’t know about you but I want to achieve mine!
The past 72hrs has been challenging to say the least! Several trips back to see the surgeon and the staff at the implant clinic haven’t yielded a lot of answers. If you hadn’t read my last post you may not have known that I had my surgery to remove and relocate the second of my two implants. It now sits under my left clavicle and I’m happy with where it is, with any luck it will work out better in this location. During the surgery we ran into some problems and found out that the site had become infected, and we are trying to understand if it might be related to the last infection that I had.
Everything was cleaned out during the surgery and I’ve been put on antibiotics and will undergo further tests next week. We are hopeful that the treatment will work but it’s a watch and wait type thing. The surgeon will run some tests to make sure that nothing has gone to the spinal cord as well. It’s one of those kinks that I didn’t need thrown into the mix but I guess it is what it is! The pain is super intense at the moment and I’m doing my best not to lose my mind. I’m on day four and hopefully in a day or two we’ll see more improvement. Yesterday I couldn’t understand why the pain was getting worse but after talking with the staff at the implant clinic things now make sense. I won’t go into detail but after talking to them about what was done during surgery, I have a better understanding of why all the extra pain.
My intentions were to finish this yesterday but that just didn’t happen. I’m having a really hard time at the moment dealing with all of this. Going into this surgery I thought I was prepared mentally but clearly I had that part wrong. I can deal with the physical pain but at times everything gets to be to much and I just want it all to be over! It’s also taking it’s toll right now on the rest of my family, with having to make lots of adjustments while I get better. Sometimes that can be harder to deal with than having to deal with recovery itself! It isn’t fare that my family has to be affected the way that they are. At times like this I get angry at the CRPS and the changes it’s caused in my families life. This family has stared adversity in the face before however, and like all those other times we will get through this one as well.
If anything all of this drives me more to beat this illness, and in order to do that I need to trust that God is going to help me do it. It’s been a rough week and my emotions are running on high! Have you ever had that dream where you need to take a breath but you just can’t. Over and over in the dream you gasp for air but you just can’t seem to get the breathe until you wake up. Well that’s kind of how I feel this week, I’m having trouble getting my breathe. Once I open my eyes and get that breathe I know everything will be ok. It’s just going to take a bit of grit and determination to get though all of this.
All of the feelings set aside the surgery itself is going to help improve things for me. I already know without a doubt that moving the battery to where it is now was the right decision. I have to admit I didn’t like the thought of where it was going to go. Sometimes I just need to listen and not question! Thanks for listening to my frustrations in today’s post, sometimes just laying it all out there helps.Well enough rambling for today and besides I need to rest up.